People in the entertainment world were shocked at reports that Chancellor Rishi Sunak suggested they retrain if they’re struggling for work in the crisis.
He denies saying it but he should stand by it.
Instead of poncing about trying to entertain others, these people should get proper jobs.
Liam Gallagher could deliver shopping from a Tesco van, screeching down residential roads yelling “Oi ******, here’s yer ******* vegetables!” and lobbing them out the window on to the road.
Piers Morgan could work for a call centre for Wickes, telling customers: “You want a sink do you? That’s a stupid request isn’t it? Haven’t you already got a sink or have you been washing yourself in puddles? Let’s face it Mr Bottomley, you’re an idiot, are you going to resign?”
Dame Judi Dench could work at the checkout in Lidl, booming in a Shakespearean manner: “Oh sweet custard powder, to stir with milk would heaven be, but beware my friend, for if too large an amount in saucepan thou doth place, too thick thine custard shall become and burneth much of pan.”
Then a supervisor will be called, to say; “Dame Judi, you’re going to have to speed things up love, you’ve got a queue going round the car park.”
“Ah such haste, it serves us not”, she’ll say, before asking the customer “Hast thou a Nectar card?”
Lorraine Kelly could retrain as a jihadist, making films that start: “Helloooo, I’m so pleased to be in this weeny studio, it’s a little cave but it’s very cosy and look at these lovely swords, aren’t they smashing? I’m joined by Mad Dog of Fire and Holy Vengeance, you look great, you’ve lost so much weight. Now I know you’ve had a tough time with the infidels, and they can be dreadful can’t they, but you’ve pulled through, you’ve been strong, and I’m delighted for you.”
Ray Winstone can be a florist, greeting customers with: “Wadya want? Toolips? Daffdils? Any flar yer want, make yer mind up or you’ll get a cactus in the face.”
Gordon Ramsay can retrain as a Catholic priest, taking Holy Communion by offering the wafer, saying: “Take this and recall Jesus, for this is my body”.
But then he’ll try a nibble, and spit it out in his hands shouting: “Oh that’s DISGUSTING. Hyurrrgghh, it’s not cooked through, it’s PINK, this would have killed Jesus before he even made it to the cross, right let’s get this church in shape.”
And rapper Stormzy can get a job in a care home. One of the elderly will ask him, “Can you pass my potty dear, I don’t think I’ll make it to the little room on time?”
So he’ll say “Mabel, I put it under the table, I hope I’m able to tell you that your stools are stable. Boris Johnson says he cares but that’s a fable, he’s put these services behind a paywall, I tell that rude boy he’ll never join my record label.”
And she’ll say, “Thanks dear, you’re a very nice man but to be honest I always preferred Eminem.”
Send your news and stories to us email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org and WhatsApp: +447747873668.
Before you go...
Democratic norms are being stress-tested all over the world, and the past few years have thrown up all kinds of questions we didn't know needed clarifying – how long is too long for a parliamentary prorogation? How far should politicians be allowed to intervene in court cases? To monitor these issues as closely as we have in the past we need your support, so please consider donating to The Climax News Room.